Goodbye, Google
Battling one of my biggest compulsions
Having access to all of the world’s knowledge at your fingertips is truly an amazing concept. Within seconds, with a few taps of your thumb, you can find out pretty much everything about anything you want to know. There’s a wealth of knowledge all contained inside a tiny box you carry around in your pocket. It’s a gamechanger. A modern convenience that makes life simpler and easier.
Unless you have OCD. Then it can become a battleground and a means of destruction.
Enter my awful compulsion — Googling things.
Okay, sometimes it’s harmless, such as “what movie is this actor in” or “how to prune a hibiscus plant.” Other times, though, it quickly spirals into dangerous territory. It starts with a simple search about a symptom I notice in myself or one of my family members. Innocent enough, right? I just want to seek reassurance that it’s no big deal and nothing to worry about.
Only that’s never what happens. Before I know it, I’ve spent thirty minutes Googling this random thing, and now I’m convinced I have cancer or I’m poisoning my children or I’m somehow to blame for my husband’s sinus problems. I’ve typed the same question into the search bar in a hundred different ways, looking for that one result that will be worded in just the perfect way to assuage my fears. Yet instead of feeling better — rather than finding that reassurance I was hoping for — I feel worse and more terrified than before, often to the point of tears or being physically sick to my stomach.
It’s a terrible, terrible cycle, and I’m the only one to blame. Sure, I could blame my OCD or make excuses, but what it boils down to is a consistent choice that I make. A choice I’ve made so many times that it has become second nature, almost an involuntary action that I take anytime I feel any sort of anxiety.
But enough is enough.
I’m sick and tired of letting Google suck up so much of my time and energy and steal so much of my joy. I mean, really, that’s what I’m doing. I’m robbing myself of joy. Instead of enjoying all the things that are good and wonderful and right in my life, I take one little imperfection or somewhat concerning thing, and I turn it into a life-or-death emergency that I must solve by typing words into my phone. Honestly, it’s ridiculous. There’s absolutely no benefit to it whatsoever, only worse anxiety and deeper fear.
So I’ve been challenging myself this past week or so to not turn to Google every time I feel anxious, and trust me, there have been dozens of times. I’ve made a conscious effort to resist that compulsion and simply sit with the anxiety until it passes. It’s difficult, it’s uncomfortable, and it’s just plain scary not knowing the answers immediately (or whatever answers are out on the internet that may or may not be true).
But it’s also so very freeing. Instead of wasting copious amounts of time traveling down rabbit hole after rabbit hole with my eyes glued to my phone, I can utter a simple prayer, focus my mind elsewhere, and move on with my day.
I know, it sounds easy when I put it like that, but it’s definitely not easy at all. In fact, it can be excruciating at times. To tell you the truth, I’ve failed my mission a couple of times already. But I’m trying. I’m choosing something different and better for my mental health. I’m making progress. Miniscule, baby-step, inch by inch progress, but progress nonetheless. And that’s what really matters.
The most vital part of this whole battle is that I don’t have the strength to do it on my own. If it was only up to my self-control and sheer willpower, I would be doomed for sure. But praise be to Jesus Christ, my Rock and Redeemer, who never leaves me to suffer alone. His strength and grace are what get me through. When the urge to start Googling feels overwhelming and all-consuming, I can run into His arms instead. When I’m scared or anxious or stressed, I don’t have to try and figure it all out myself (spoiler alert: I can’t, anyway). I can loosen my whiteknuckled grip on all the little details that are beyond my control, and instead choose to trust the One who holds my future in His hands.
When you have OCD, uncertainty can be debilitatingly hard to handle. But life is uncertain, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise. Only God knows the future, and He is in control. Surrendering to that humbling truth is so much more comforting and liberating than living life in constant panic mode. My life is bought and paid for, and no matter what happens on this earth, I know that my future is secure.
So I’m saying goodbye to Google, because I don’t need it anymore.
Okay, yes, I do need it for some things. Let’s not get carried away. But I don’t need it for reassurance seeking or compulsively trying to quench my fears.
The only true and lasting reassurance is found at the foot of the cross, and that’s enough for me.
Wonderful post! For real, what you're experiencing is no different than other vices or struggles that we go through in this fallen world. It's about learning the triggers, the vices, how the enemy uses it, and how it can be slowly destroying your life.
It takes a true follower of Jesus to finally say "Enough is enough!"
Did you ever hear of the app called Stay Free? You can block apps but no permanently. You just have to type this long text before you can open it (you can use the default or what I do is, I put a biblical text). Or you can add a time limit. You can even have it let you know when you've spent too much time. You can customize it the way you want and it's that extra layer of help!
Exactly what I needed to read.💗