I have a confession to make…

I’m scared.

Of a lot of things. Pretty much everything, actually.

I’m not a risk taker, and I’m not spontaneous. I’m not a put-yourself-out-there kind of gal. I’m not an extrovert or confident at all. And I’m really terrified of the unknown.

Some days, I get overwhelmed by fear, and it consumes me all day long. Usually these fears are irrational or farfetched, but inside the four walls of my mind, they seem entirely true. And I can’t escape them no matter what I do. No matter how many times I shake them off and run away from them, they still manage to find me again.

woman covering her face lying on green grass — Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash

This post might seem really personal, and it is. But sometimes sharing things hidden in your heart is the best way to heal from them. And maybe someone reading this just wants to feel seen.

I’m sure there are many of you who are suffering in the same way, probably silently most of the time because no one seems to understand. But I do. Even if my struggles aren’t exactly the same as yours, I know how it feels to be trapped inside your mind. I know how it feels to be plagued by fear and worry and doubt. I know how those fears can feel so real, even if you know they aren’t.

If you’ve been there, or if you’re there right now, I want you to know that I understand. And I also understand that it’s not easy to wrestle yourself free of the strangling grip of fear. Just recognizing your fears as irrational isn’t enough to escape them, I know. I’ve been there so many times.

You know, I’ve wondered why I can’t get rid of these fears. Is there something wrong with me? I trust in Jesus and I study His Word every day. I pray and give my fear to Him, so why does it keep coming back?

There’s no easy answer to that question, and maybe I’ll never know until I’m at those pearly gates. But it comforts me to think about Paul and how he talked about having a thorn in his flesh. I don’t know what that thorn was, but he says he pleaded with God to take it away, yet it still remained. So maybe I’m a little bit like Paul. Maybe these fears are the thorn in my flesh. Maybe God allows me to feel this way so that I have to depend on Him. Maybe this weakness of mine is a way of magnifying His strength.

Sometimes I make progress in this area, but there are still really rough patches too. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully overcome it, but the beauty is that I don’t have to. Jesus already has. He never promised me an easy life, but He did promise to walk alongside me. And I know He keeps that promise. So every day, I can choose to lay my fears at His feet and trust Him to light my path. Even if I have to do it a thousand times a day, He’s always there, and He always takes my burdens. But I have to let go of them in order to give them to Him.

Sometimes trust means letting go, even when it’s scary. Maybe I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know Who will be with me every step I take. And knowing that takes the power right out of those fears.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.” Isaiah 41:10

Kaelin's Corner

My Thorn